“Always do your best”, I think as I munch on another fry, take another sip of water out of the cool glass cup. I am trying to write an IEP letter for someone. Something that requires focus in order to do it well. Other thoughts bounce and clash at high speeds in my brain. They pulse and I push them back back back. I recognize the forming well in my throat, fighting to be freed. The tears began to fuzzy my eyesight, then clear again. “Do your best!”, I say again. My heart is beating a little faster than usual. I start typing and I stop. I realize my thumbs are rubbing the tops of my fingernails, something I started doing to self-soothe at some unrecognizable point in my life.
Eventually, I get the letter done. I sit back on the seat and let Ryo Fukui’s piano save me. A friend comes up to me and asks me how the cake is. It’s delicious and creamy, moist and buttery. “How am I feeling now”? I ask myself. Nerves still feel like they’re reaching the top of my shoulders, but less of a grip. The frog in my throat is nearly gone. A scintilla of emotions rings in my throat, fading by the minute. My forehead feels hot. My sinuses come back for a bit, a residual effect of holding back tears. I remember listening to an audiobook stating not to take anything personal. Nothing is truly about you. Nothing is truly about me. We make decisions and are responsible for them. Regardless, always do your best to be sincere and be true to your word. I thought, being true to your word is being true to yourself. I reflect. That’s all I’ve tried to do, my best. The fear of experiencing judgement and shame for the way I feel scares me but I remember again, this is my best right now.